Meeting Yourself Where You Are: Self-Compassion

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love” - Brené Borwn

This quote sums up self-compassion so succinctly. We are going to take a deeper dive into the concept but if you were to simply focus on practicing what this quote states, you would become better for it.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Generally speaking it’s the practice of being understanding towards ourselves - even if when we fail, mess up, disappoint others or disappoint ourselves. It’s a bit hard to really define self-compassion because it’s also a personal practice. We each have unique lives, stories & journeys that have lead many of us to a place of self-criticism, guardedness & rigidity. Essentially, we bully ourselves for the smallest things. Somehow, many of us have come to grow into the idea & practice that we actually don’t deserve tenderness, understanding, patience, softness, grace, care, empathy & compassion from ourselves. BUT if our best friend, partner, or even a stranger were in our shoes we feel completely different. I get it. Because that’s me too…and basically all of us. Coming to know self-compassion & regularly practice it will look just a bit different for everyone & that’s part of the beauty of it.

So, keeping our uniqueness in mind; instead of telling you what it should be to you, I will describe self-compassion as an action & a feeling the way I experience it. You can most definitely use this definition for yourself or come up with something that feels more personal to you. As an action, self-compassion is the willingness to understand myself so that I can truly be myself. It’s about recognizing that my inner critic is not actually me; it’s a voice I learned over time - none of us are born being mean to ourselves. As a feeling, it’s calm, self-assured & accepting. - not tense, judgmental, harsh or mean like those other inauthentic voices. Beneath the perfectionistic, hyper-critical voices I have learned to trust throughout my life I find who I want to be towards myself and those around me within the practice of self-compassion.

Why Is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-compassion is fundamentally important for becoming our most authentic selves. If we are always working against ourselves, we cannot fully become ourselves. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to excel in a sport, lose weight, be healthy, get strong, be a great parent, have fulfilling relationships. Self-compassion is a key practice for allowing ourselves to be where we are, accept where we have been & get to where we want to go. In order to grow & change - we HAVE to be kind & gentle towards ourselves along the way. 

If you are looking to improve your health, change your habits, or make any changes in your life - self-compassion is a critical part of this process. Because let’s be real - you’re going to mess up. More than once. More than twice. You’re going to need to bounce back in a positive way and being mean to yourself is not the way. Allowing yourself the space, acceptance, & grace to create change in an imperfect way is not only realistic, it’s easier & more likely to stick.

But, self-compassion is not only important for us individually; it’s important for others as well. The more compassionate & understanding we are with ourselves, the more genuinely & easily we can extend deep understanding & compassion to others.

How Do We Practice It?

Okay, yes I get it this all sounds good in writing and YES everything is easier said (or written) than done. That is why self-compassion is a practice - it’s a process that requires more or less work depending on the day, our environment (internal & external), and how much we think we need to bully ourselves.

If you’ve just learned about self-compassion for the first time recently or even from this blog, I encourage you to simply notice how you talk to yourself on a regular basis. What are the things you say to yourself in your head before, during or after any situation. Spend time getting to know what your thoughts are really like inside your mind. That’s a great starting point. 

If you understand self-compassion & have noticed the not-so-kind conversations you have with yourself on the regular, I encourage you to see yourself as a friend in those conversations. Pretend you are having the same conversation with a friend - would you be more understanding? Would you choose different words? How would it be different? Separate yourself from the thoughts.

Once you’ve become more consistent with practicing self-compassion, it will become more and more integrated into your life, thoughts & actions. At first, it does take a lot of effort to essentially rewire our old thought patterns & habits but eventually it will become more of a natural flow. It will become part of you because you will be becoming more & more yourself.

As a final side-note: self-compassion is not the same as self-responsibility. You can and should practice compassion with yourself/others while still having standards, boundaries & without compromising yourself. It’s possible to practice accountability & self-compassion - I believe that they work really well together. From my experience & observation, self-compassion empowers us to take responsibility for ourselves more deeply than we could without it.